Definition

Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other. Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.

Examples of abuse include:

• Name-calling or putdowns
• Keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
• Withholding money
• Stopping a partner form getting or keeping a job
• Actual or threatened physical harm
• Sexual assault
• Stalking
• Intimidation

Violence can be criminal and includes physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity) and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence.
Violence takes many forms and can happen all of the time or once in a while. An important step to help yourself or someone you know in preventing or stopping violence is recognzing the warning signs. Anyone can be a victim. Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavioral problems.

If you are being abused, REMEMBER:

1. You are not alone
2. It is not your fault
3. Help is available

Common Myths and Why they are Wrong

Domestic violence only happens to poor women and women of color.

• Domestic violence happens in all kinds of families and relationships. Persons of any class, culture, religion, sexual orientation, marital status, age, and sex can be victims or perpetrators of dometic violence.

Some people deserve to be hit.

• No one deserves to be abused. The only person responsible for the abuse is the abuser.
• Physical violence, even among family members, is wrong and against the law.

Alcohol, drug abuse, stress, and mental illness cause domestic violence.

• Alcohol use, drug use, and stress do not cause domestic violence; they may go along with domestic violence, but they do not cause it to occur. Abusers often use these excuses for their violence.

Domestic violence is a personal problem between husband and wife.

• Domestic violence affects everyone.
• About 1 in 3 American women have been physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives.

If it were that bad, she would just leave.

• There are many reasons why women may not leave. Not leaving does not mean that the situation is okay or that the victim wants to be abused.
• Leaving can be dangerous. The most dangerous time for a woman who is being abused is when she tries to leave.

Is this Abuse?

Are You Abusing Others? How do you measure up?
Abuse is:
Name-calling or put downs
Shouting and cursing
Hitting, slapping and/or pushing
Making threats of any kind
Jealousy and suspicion
Keeping someone away from family and friends
Throwing things around the house

Domestic violence is a crime. It destroys relationships and families and passes from generation to generation. But it doesn't have to be that way: if you abuse, you can choose to stop.

How Friends and Family can Help

It is your business. Maybe he's your friend, your brother-in-law, your cousin, co-worker, gym partner or fishing buddy. You've noticed that he interrupts her, criticizes her family, yells at her or scares her. You hope that it isn't worse when they're alone. The way he treats her makes you uncomfortable but you don't want to make him mad or lose his friendship. You surely don't want to see him wreck his marriage or have to call the police. What can you do? Say something. If you don't, your silence is the same as saying abuse is ok. He could hurt someone or end up in jail. Because you care, you need to do something....before it's too late.

Who are the Abusers?

Abusers are not easy to spot. There is no "typical" abuser. In public, they may appear friendly and loving to their partner and family since they often only abuse behind close doors. They also try to hide the abuse by causing injuries that can be hidden and do not need a doctor. Abuse is not an accident. It does not happen because someone was stressed-out, drinking or using drugs. Abuse is an intentional act that one person uses in a relationship to control the other person and abusers have learned to abuse so that they can get what they want when they want it. The abuse may be physical, sexual, emotional and psychological. Abusers often have low self-esteem. They do not take responsibility for their actions and they may even blame the victim for causing the volence. In most cases, men abuse female victims but it is important to remember that men are also abused by women.

What can I do to be Safe?

Call The Police. If you feel you are in danger from your abuser at any time call 911 or your local police. Consider the following:

• If you are in danger when the police come, they can protect you.
• They can help you and your children leave your home safely.
• They can arrest your abuser when they have enough proof that you have been abused.
• They can arrest your abuser if a personal protection order (PPO) has been violated.
• Whan the police come, tell them everything the abuser did that made you call.
• If you have been hit, tell the police where. Tell them how many times it happened and show them any marks left on your body. Marks may take time to appear so if you see a mark after the polic leave, take pictures of the marks and send them in. They may be used in court.
• Show the police if your abuser damaged or broke any property.
• The police can give you information on domestic violence programs and shelters.
• The police must make a report detailing what happened to you. Police reports can be used in court if your abuser is charged with a crime.
• Get the officers' names, badge numbers and the report number in case you need a copy of the report.
• A police report can be used to help you get a PPO.

Get suppoort from friends and family. Tell your supportive family, friends and co-worders what has happened. Though it is not fair that you should leave while your abuser stays in your home, you should find a safe place. There are shelters that can help you move to a different city or state. If you have been hurt, go to the hospital or your doctor. Domestic violence advocates (people to help you) may be called to the hospital. Medical records can be important in court cases and can also help you get a PPO.